


Feelings Are Fleeting; Everything Is

by thatsformetoknow



Series: portfolio [1]
Category: Phandom, dan and phil
Genre: AU, Alternate Universe, Angst, Depressed!Dan, M/M, cute fluff, dan is a writer, dan works in pjs book store, phil is an annoying customer, phil works in a cafe, writer!Dan
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-26
Updated: 2016-08-26
Packaged: 2018-08-11 06:00:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,354
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7879231
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thatsformetoknow/pseuds/thatsformetoknow
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>As a twenty-two year old failing writer who occasionally rocks up to work at his friends book store, it wasn't much of a surprise that Dan often fell into what he liked to call a 'state of existential crisis' but Pj preferred to call it a 'state of depression' which it really wasn't in all fairness, but at the same time it really was. </p><p>He finds himself showing up to work a little more often after that one annoying customer by the name of Phil Lester made him go through the entire fiction section to find that one book. He's the most irritating person in the world. He's growing on Dan, a bit... A lot...</p>
            </blockquote>





	Feelings Are Fleeting; Everything Is

_Thursday 17 March 2013 1.13am - Feelings Are Fleeting; Everything Is_

_Feelings aren't certain. Feelings are fleeting; everything is._

_That's why I'm writing, always writing, scratching at the pages in this book, trying to etch those feelings onto the page while they're here, before they're gone._

Dan looked over the first page in his book, closed it and put it on his bedside table, closing his eyes with a sigh.

He didn't sleep for hours, he never did, tossing and turning until first light, before finally letting sleep overcome him.

It wasn't that Dan was depressed; it was more that he didn't see a point to his existence.

As a twenty-two year old failing writer who occasionally rocked up to work at his friends book store, it wasn't much of a surprise really that Dan often fell in what he liked to call a 'state of existential crisis' but Pj preferred to call it a 'state of depression' which it really wasn't, in all fairness. But at the same time, it really was.

By the time Dan's eyes opened again, it was 11.04 and he had no missed calls or texts, as per usual.

Deciding that perhaps for the first time in a couple of weeks he might go in for a few hours to help out Pj at the store, he rolled out of bed and threw on a shirt he'd miraculously found in a drawer and not on his floor.

Not bothering to straighten his mass of brown curls, he brushed his teeth shoved his book hastily into his bag before slamming the door to his apartment.

The bell in the small book store tinkled as he walked in and a smile lit up Pj's face as Dan threw his bag behind the counter and hauled himself up onto it.

Taking Pj's coffee out of his hand as Pj rolled his eyes, he sipped at the still warm drink.

'How are you, Dan?' Pj asked, after calling a 'please come again' to a customer, who smiled back, throwing a wary glance Dan's way.

''M fine. You?'

'It's been quiet here without you.'

'It's quiet here with me, Peej.'

Pj laughed. 'True, but I missed you.'

''M sorry.' Dan said sheepishly, rubbing the back of his neck with his hand, sipping at the hardly warm coffee.

'Can you handle a few customers if I go and pick us both up hot coffee's and a croissant?'

'Sure, thanks.' Dan said gratefully, dropping the coffee into the bin and sitting on the counter, his legs hanging over the edge but not quite touching the floor.

Being a Thursday at eleven in the morning meant that business was slow, and for that, Dan was grateful. He'd rather stay away from anyone that wasn't Pj when he could.

'Excuse me?' A voice ripped Dan from his thoughts, and he blinked at the man before him.

'Can I help you?' Dan asked, only realising after the words had left his lips that he sounded rather rude.

'Erm... I can't find this book I'm looking for, I don't remember what it's called but it's about a boy and the moon?'

'A boy and the moon.' Dan said flatly.

'Could you help me look?'

'Could you be a bit more specific?'

'I don't remember anything else about it, it was a recommendation.'

Dan sighed, pushing himself off of the counter top, walking to the fiction section. 'Fiction?'

'Yeah, thanks.'

Dan began to filter through the books, having a rough idea what most of them were, stopping to skim over the backs of a few.

'I haven't seen you in here before.' The man said with a friendly smile.

'I work here.' Dan replied, sifting through the titles.

'I've come in quite a bit recently, Thursday's my day off you see, I've never seen you is all.'

Dan didn't reply for a moment. 'I don't come in often.'

'Your boss allows that?'

'Is it your business?' Dan snapped, pulling a book off of the shelf, giving a once over and shoving it back onto the shelf.

'N-No.' He said, taken aback a little by Dan's harsh tone. 'I was just trying to be friendly.'

'Why?'

'I erm... I don't know, I just do that.'

'Well don't.'

'O-Okay.' He replied and didn't say anything else.

Dan took another book off of the shelf and thrust it at the man, waiting for a response.

'I think this is it!' He said excitedly, with a smile. 'Thank you so much!' He rushed over to the counter and waited eagerly for Dan to trudge over.

'That's eleven ninety-nine.' Dan said shortly.

The man felt his pockets. 'Oh no! My wallet! I think I left it on my kitchen table...'

'Are you kidding me?' Dan said flatly with a frown.

'I'm sorry, would you hold the book for me while I pop back home to pick it up?'

'Name?'

'Phil Lester.'

Dan nodded and scrawled 'Phil' onto a piece of paper and placed it in the front cover of the book, before putting the book on a shelf under the counter.

'I'll be back soon!' Phil called with a smile.

Dan didn't smile back.

Dan hauled himself back onto the counter, his legs perfectly still as he stared at the door, waiting for Pj to come back so he wouldn't have to deal with anymore annoying customers like Phil.

The bell tinkled but it wasn't Pj, it was a little girl no older than four, pulling her mother in the store, rushing straight over to the children's section, pulling books off of shelves right left and centre.

Dan sighed and shuffled off of the counter, standing behind it, a blank expression on his face as the mother purchased a copy of 'The Very Hungry Caterpillar'.

Grumbling as they left the store, Dan went over and knelt on the soft carpet that sectioned off the children's section and started to pick up a few books.

The bell tinkled again and –thank God, it was Pj.

He laughed at the expression on Dan's face as he cleared away books and books that the mother hadn't bothered to clear up after her child.

'You look like you've had a great time.' He laughed, handing Dan his coffee and a croissant.

Dan scowled. 'If you count the most annoying man in the world making me go through every damn fiction book to find one and then remembering he hadn't even got his wallet so he's coming back later and then a little girl who threw books all over the shop then yeah, I've had a great time. I should have stayed in bed.'

'You know how grateful I am to you, darling.' Pj mocked, with a grin.

'Shut your face.'

They went to sit on a pair of beanbags, eating their croissants and drinking their coffee, that cheered Dan up a bit, a smile danced over his face a fair few times before the bell tinkled once again.

'Hi Dan!' Phil said cheerfully, and Dan was about to question how he knew his name before he remembered that he wore a staff badge with his name on.

'Phil.' Dan acknowledged. Getting up to retrieve Phil's book.

'Has coffee made you a little less grumpy?' Phil asked with a smile, his tongue poking out the corner of his mouth.

'Perhaps.' Dan replied, setting the hot cup on the counter. 'Here's your book, it's a good one so enjoy it.'

'I plan to, and then I'll be back for more.'

'I only hope you endeavour to remember the name next time.'

'I will try my very hardest I promise, thank you for your help, Dan.'

'See you, then.'

'Yeah, have a good day.'

'That's supposed to be my line.'

'Would you have said it?' Phil said almost teasingly.

'Perhaps not.'

Phil crossed his arms.

'Have a good day.' Dan scowled.

Phil laughed, waving as he left.

A smile ghosted over Dan's features.

*** 

Hot water ran over Dan's exposed flesh, beads dripping down his chest as he stared at himself in the mirror, a blank glassy expression on his face as he exhaled.

The soap slipped out of Dan's hands and he grumbled, fishing it out of the bottom of the bath as it slid around in the water as it drained away.

Rubbing shampoo into his greasy hair, he squeezed his eyes closed as he hadn't quite mastered the art of staying shampoo-in-eyes-free as he showered.

After a final rinse, Dan twisted the taps until the hot water turned to a trickle and then ceased all together, he shivered in the cold bathroom.

Harshly rubbing a towel over himself, then throwing it in a crumpled ball behind the door on a ever growing pile of laundry, he walked to his bedroom, ignoring the cold air on his bare skin.

He pulled a black shirt over his head and a pair of black skinny jeans on, and straightened his hair.

Glancing in the mirror, he made a silent vow to himself to try more often, shower every day and straighten his hair, get out more.

What was the use of staying in bed from dawn until dusk, ribs poking through his chest? Wasting his days away.

_Wednesday 23 March 2013 – Me. Him. Myself._

_Thinking about it now, I don't really even know who I am anymore. Delving back into my mind, reliving memories, is that me? Is that who I am? Was? Who have I become? I see myself in the mirror and I see Dan, not myself._

_In my memories I see him, who is he? Me? Him? Myself?_

_I see his laugh and the careless words that tumble out of his mouth, how is that me?_

_Me. The word tastes funny on my tongue, sits strange on my lips._

_Me. It hangs heavily in the air, thick like fog just above the ground._

_Dan. Myself. The two hardly mix, like oil and water; they sit separately, close enough to touch but far enough apart._

_Far enough apart._

Grabbing a jacket and shoving his book in his bag he hurried out of the door.

Dan waited impatiently in line for coffee in the coffee shop close to the store to pick up a coffee for himself and Pj. He was surprised at the amount of people getting coffee mid-week.

'Two cappuccinos.' He said, not looking up, grabbing his wallet out of his pocket.

'Good morning, that'll be for Dan and ...?' A familiar voice came.

Dan heard Phil's smile before he saw it.

'Pj.' He clarified with a frown. 'Are you always this cheerful?'

'Yes. Are you always this rude?' He said lightly with a grin.

'Yes.' Dan said, the corners of his lips upturning ever so slightly.

Phil passed Dan's order on while he took the next one and Dan simply moved to the side of the queue, taking in Phil's appearance.

He had black hair and wore blue jeans and pale yellow shirt, his smile lighting up his whole face as he wished the next customer a nice day.

'You're staring.' Phil said, not looking at Dan.

Dan averted his eyes immediately. 'I was just marvelling at how bright and cheerful you always seem.'

'I think always is a bit of a stretch, we've only met twice. However, tomorrow you can call it thrice as it's my day off and I have a book title I'm ready to buy.'

'I'll be sure to stay in bed.'

'I'll even remember my wallet.'

'I'll think about it.' Dan replied, rolling his eyes.

Phil then handed Dan two coffee's, and wished him a good day, laughing as Dan glared in reply but he didn't miss the small smile he donned as he turned away.

Hastily brushing past people on their lunch breaks as he walked to the book shop, he didn't bother to apologise as he crashed into a few people, coffee going everywhere.

Dan cursed under his breath, the book shop in sight, he carried on walking towards it.

Waste of money.

The bell rang as he threw the door to the shop, glancing around and finding it almost empty he dragged his coffee stained shirt over his head and stormed into the back room.

'What happened to you?' Pj asked, grabbing Dan a spare shirt and tossing it to him.

'I try to do a nice thing and get us both coffee and then someone bashes into me and it goes everywhere.'

'It's the thought that counts...' Pj said softly.

'Yeah and a waste of my money.'

'I'm sorry, Dan.'

''S not your fault.'

He practically threw himself onto the counter, making a mental note to start taking taxis places rather than walking, even if it be just down the road.

'There are chairs all over this store and yet you always sit there.' Pj laughed, taking a few books out of a card board box and taking them over to a shelf.

'Yeah well.' Dan said, not having a valid reason he liked to sit there.

Nothing much happened for a while, no customers coming in and Pj finishing stacking a few shelves.

'Do you wanna go get us another coffee? I'll give you the money.'

'Sure.' Dan said, glad of something to do.

He grabbed the ten pound note off the counter that Pj had just put next to him and he left the store.

Less people out now that the lunch rush was over, Dan got to the coffee shop quickly and was surprised to see Phil still at the counter taking orders.

'Afternoon, sunshine.' Phil waved as Dan came in. 'Back for more? Or maybe you just missed your favourite friend?' He laughed, handing someone a coffee cup and turning his full attention to Dan.

'I'd hardly call you my favourite friend.' Dan replied. 'My least favourite, perhaps.' He smirked slightly, pulling his wallet out, purposefully ignoring the fact Phil had called him his 'friend'.

'Two cappuccino's?'

'Yeah.'

'You're welcome.' Phil stuck his tongue out childishly.

'The pleasure's all yours I'm sure.' Dan said sarcastically, waiting for Phil to make the coffee's.

'So how come you're back then? Still sleepy, are you?'

'We never got the first cups actually; some bugger sent them flying on my way back to the store.'

Phil laughed. And he laughed.

'Shut up, it's not funny.'

'Come on, it's pretty funny.'

'Maybe I just don't have a sense of humour.'

'Oh I'm sure you do _somewhere_ in there.' Phil said lightly with a grin.

'Mhm.' Dan said disbelievingly, crossing his arms, and then taking the coffee from Phil.

'Have a good day, Dan! See you tomorrow!'

'Don't hold your breath!' Dan called back, throwing Phil a small smile as he left.

Taking a sip of his coffee he let out a sudden laugh and rolled his eyes, gaining himself a few glances from people across the street.

'You've got to be kidding me.'

On his cup was a beautifully written 'Dan' and next to it a little smiley sunshine wearing a pair sunglasses.

***

The following morning Dan woke early, he could see the sun through his open curtains and he wished it would go away.

He pulled the duvet over his head and closed his eyes, but that one annoying bird outside his window was singing, how dare it be singing so outrageously early in the morning?

In defeat, Dan sat up in bed and looked at the clock – 8.11am

Far too early.

He knew Pj would already be at the shop, and honestly Dan was thinking of closing the curtains and curling back up in bed but he didn't.

Before he left to go to the store he picked up the mail and put it on the kitchen table, sighing at the bills he knew were inside.

He couldn't pay them.

He supposed he should go to work more often. Or write a book or something.

Like that was ever going to happen.

He went straight into the back room when he got there, flopping down onto the sofa that rested against the back wall after shoving a few papers off onto the floor.

'Dan?' Pj called, coming into the room. 'Thank goodness you're here, I've got to run out for an hour, you'll be okay here to manage the shop?' He asked and Dan nodded.

'You're a lifesaver.'

Dan picked up his empty coffee cup from yesterday that still rested on the arm of the tattered sofa and tossed it across the small room.

He lay down, staring at the ceiling of the dark room and sighed.

'Dan?' A distant voice came. 'Wakey-wakey sleeping beauty.' He laughed.

Dan's eyes opened and he saw Phil smiling over him. 'Did I fall asleep?' Dan muttered groggily.

'Sure did, sunshine.' Phil said, standing back to help Dan up.

'What are you doing back here? You're not allowed in here.' Dan frowned, shooing Phil out.

'Well I couldn't find anyone and I want to buy this book.' Phil replied holding up a book and going around the other side of the counter.

'Don't go in there again.'

'I won't.' Phil assured him with a smile.

'Why are you always so nice? I'm always so-'

'So what?'

'I don't know – rude!' He snapped.

'I don't mind, you're one of the most interesting people I've met.'

'Me? Interesting?' Dan scoffed, scanning the book.

'Yeah, you are, I wanted to get to know you better.'

'Good luck with that.' Dan said sarcastically. 'Ten pounds.'

Phil handed the money over and Dan slid the book across the counter.

'Is that so wrong?'

'Yes.' Dan hopped up onto the counter and swung his legs around so he was sitting next to where Phil was standing.

'Why? I thought we could be friends.'

'Let me direct you to the non-fiction section, perhaps? I think you've been reading too many fantasies, Phil, that's not how the real world works. You don't just become friends with people.'

'Why?' Phil smiled softly, looking at Dan.

'Because they don't.'

'Then how did you become friends with Pj?'

'I don't know, we met at school.'

'And we met here.'

'Why do you want to be my friend so badly?' Dan asked skeptically.

'I don't know.' Phil shrugged.

'You should give up on me, I'm a lost cause.' Dan gave a sarcastic smile.

'Perhaps.' Phil smiled back, taking his book off of the counter and turning to leave. 'Have a good day, Dan.' He turned and smiled before he left and the bell signalled the door closing and Dan exhaled.

_Thursday 24 March 2013 10.34am – Everything fades and everything dies._

_Black. Everything always fades to nothing; my smile, the laughter in his eyes. The sky when day turns to night, even stars, when they die._

_Everything fades, light in the evening air, people as the world wears them down. Everything fades, love and happiness. Everything dies; flowers when the autumn winds whip their petals off, people, people die before their time, love. Love fades and love dies, just as people fade and people die._

_Why waste your tears on something as transient as love? Why waste your time on something so transient as people? They come and they go, they're here, and before you know it, they're gone._

Dan didn't feel happy with that one, flipping back through the pages to the first. He never felt happy with anything he wrote.

'Still bothering with that book then?' Pj asked, the bell tinkling as he came through the door, coffee's in hand returning from wherever it was he had been.

Putting the coffee's on the counter, he tried to glance over at what Dan had scrawled onto the page but Dan hastily closed it and put it in his bag.

'Yes.' He answered flatly.

'Can't I have even a little look?'

'No.'

'Someone's grumpy today.'

' _Someone_ wishes he'd stayed in bed.'

'You're right, I do.' Pj laughed and Dan swatted his shoulder.

Dan glanced at Pj as he gave a cheery smile and a 'have a good day' to a leaving customer. He wondered how he did it, how Phil did it, how anyone did it, really.

It was just so much effort; to hold his head high and turn the corners of his mouth upwards, to lift the tone of his voice into what was considered 'friendly' and frankly he didn't have the energy.

He shook his head slightly, wincing as his head hurt and he made a mental note to get himself some pain killers to relieve this God awful headache that he had had all morning.

'Good morning, sunshine!' A voice came from around the corner with a grin and a wave as Phil approached Dan.

Dan threw his head into his hands and groaned dramatically. 'Dear God, Philip, it's only Tuesday, I need at least another two days to mentally prepare myself for our next encounter. Jeez way to spring on me like that, I still haven't recovered from your last batch of joyous smiles.'

Phil laughed. 'What've you got there?' He asked, looking over Dan's shoulder at the book's Dan was supposed to be stacking onto a shelf.

Dan held out a copy to Phil. He took it and ran his fingers over the shiny front, turning it in his hands to read the back of it.

'I'll take it.'

'You sure? It doesn't seem your sort of thing...' Dan said doubtfully, looking at a copy in his hands.

'What does seem my sort of _thing_?' Phil asked with a smile, his tongue poking out of his mouth.

Dan tilted his head a little, contemplating Phil and then he was gone. Around the corner in another section he ran his finger along the rows of books, searching for a particular title.

He came back with a beautiful looking book, purples and blues covered the front and elegant font spelled out 'Every Inch is Made of Stardust'.

'Just because I read one book about space.' Phil teased, taking the book from Dan and excitedly turning it over in his hands, reading the back quickly.

Dan waited expectantly.

'll take it.' Phil smiled, pulling his wallet out and waving it in front of Dan's face as he sauntered up to the counter.

'Fourteen fifty.'

'Thank you.' Phil said, handing the money over and taking the book.

'You never told me why you were here.'

'To buy a book?'

'No, I mean, it's Tuesday. You told me Thursday was your day off.' Dan's voice was confident though he was silently questioning himself if it _had_ been Thursday that Phil had said.

'Shop's closed today, I'm not sure why... My boss texted me this morning.' Phil replied, walking over to the beanbags as they spoke.

He sat down on one, opening his new book.

'And you decided to, what, spend your extra day off in a book store?'

'Getting to know you?' Phil smiled.

'I'm working.'

'The store isn't that big, there's no customers, I'm sure Pj can take care of them if one happens to wander in.'

Dan sighed and flopped down onto the other beanbag and raised an eyebrow at Phil.

'Hi, I'm Philip Michael Lester, I'm twenty-six years old and I work at the café right across the street.'

Dan rolled his eyes. 'Dan Howell.'

Phil crossed his arms.

'Daniel James Howell. I'm twenty-two and I work here, funnily enough, in my best friend Pj's book store.'

'So anyway, Dan, what do you want to do?'

'I'm a writer.'

'Oh wow.' Phil breathed. 'That's amazing, could I maybe read something you've written?'

'One day, maybe.' Dan said softly. 'What about you, Phil? I'm guessing you don't want to work in that coffee shop for the rest of your life.'

Phil laughed. 'No, I don't. I actually want to open a café of my own one day, you know, one that does breakfast and lunch and that sort of thing?'

'Can you cook?'

Phil nodded. 'It's one of my few talents; I can cook without burning the house down.'

'Well I know where I'll be coming for breakfast, seeing as I would most definitely burn down the house.'

They sat together there for a while talking about nothing in particular, Phil opening his book and doing a dramatic reading of the first page, until a few more customers came in and Pj pulled Dan away.

Phil didn't leave, he sat there for the rest of the day, happily reading, throwing Dan a few smiles and glances throughout.

***

A frown formed on Dan's face as he saw a cheery black-haired blue-eyed man walk through the door carrying three coffee's, smiling at Dan as he gave a little wave, then hastily stopping the coffee's from falling from his grasp.

'Hey Dan!' He said, coming up to the counter and setting the cardboard that held the coffee's together down on the counter. 'I brought coffee's, I hope that wasn't presumptuous.'

'It's alright, thanks.' Dan smiled a little, taking his coffee, seeing 'Dan' written across the front with Phil's signature sunshine in sunglasses next to it.

'Hey, Pj!' Dan called across the store to where Pj knelt in the children's section, restacking shelves. 'Phil brought coffee!'

Pj stood up immediately and came to join Dan and Phil.

'Thanks Phil.' Pj smiled gratefully, opening the register and taking out a ten pound note.

'Thanks, but I don't need that.' Phil smiled, pushing Pj's hand softly away.

'Come on, Phil, take it.'

'It's okay, on the house.'

Pj frowned slightly but put the money back in the register.

Pj soon wandered away, coffee in hand to keep stacking books onto the shelves while there were little customers.

'Why do you keep coming back?' Dan asked suddenly.

Phil looked a little taken a back. 'I don't know, I like reading.'

'You don't just buy a book and leave though.' Dan said.

'I enjoy your company.' Phil said quietly. 'Would you like me to stop?'

Dan hesitated. 'No.' He concluded.

'So what about you? The first time we met you told me you hardly came in, but now you're in all the time.'

Dan didn't say anything; he didn't really have an answer. 'Staying at home and in bed every day tired me out, honestly, it's calming here and I can escape and read if I want to. That and I need the money.'

'Not going to spring a novel on us any time soon then?' Phil asked with a smile, his tongue poking out the side of his mouth.

'Do you do that on purpose?' Dan's attention averted from the conversation to Phil's mouth.

'What?'

'That thing with your tongue when you smile.'

'Oh. No.' He laughed a little, smiling again, his lips together.

'Okay.'

Phil smiled and broke their gaze. 'Anyway, I came to buy a book.' He sauntered off, leaving his coffee on the counter as he wandered to the fiction section.

Dan's eyes followed him as he browsed through the books, a thoughtful frown on his face.

He leant against the counter, getting his book out and carelessly doodling little sunshines on the first page. He hadn't written anything on that page, he wasn't sure why but he never wrote on the first page; the first page was a commitment.

'Whatcha doing?' Phil asked, taking Dan by surprise, he slammed his book closed.

'Nothing.'

'Can't I see?'

Dan didn't say anything.

'Is that you're writing? You don't have to show me yet, Dan.'

'Yes. It's my writing, if you can call it that. It's not a book and it's not poetry, it's just words. I don't even know what it is really, nothing impressive.'

'One day, Dan, if you'd let me, I'd be honoured to read some of it.'

Dan bit his lip. 'Perhaps.'

His gaze locked with Phil's and he wondered. Wondered why Phil bothered with someone like him. There were billions of people in the world, so why him?

Why would the boy with black hair and blue eyes that you could go swimming in chose him? Dan had brown hair and brown eyes, he worked in a book store and scribbled meaningless words into a book. Some days he struggled to get out of bed and he could hardly afford to pay his bills.

'Chosen a book then?' Dan asked, his demeanour suddenly changing, not going unnoticed by Phil.

'What are you thinking about?' Phil asked, a soft smile on his face as he handed Dan this weeks book.

'Nothing important.'

'I could see you thinking, see your face change with your thoughts.'

'Sorry.'

'It was rather beautiful, it was almost as if you let your guard down for a moment.'

Dan stayed silent and scanned the book.

'Eight fourty-nine.'

'Thank you. I hope you have a good day, Dan.'

Dan nodded to Phil as he turned to leave, and the frown didn't leave Dan's face for minutes and minutes; why did Phil bother?

***

Thursday rolled around again and Dan's alarm went off beside him, groaning he looked at his phone.

'Thursday 7th April 9.00am' it read.

Dan sighed and turned the alarm off, turning over.

His eyes stared blankly at his wall for a while before they fell heavily closed and he fell into much needed sleep, having not gotten to sleep until at least five the previous night.

When Dan next awoke it was by his phone blaring at him, clumsily he reached for it and blearily answered.

'Dan? Where are you? It's nearly two and I've given up waiting.'

''M at home.'

'Were you asleep?'

'Maybe.'

'You going to come in tomorrow?'

'Dunno.'

'You missed Phil.'

'Good.'

Pj was quiet for a moment. 'Did something happen between you two?'

'What do you mean?'

'You two always seem close is all.'

'Close? I don't even know the man.' Dan argued, feeling frustrated at Pj but mostly at himself.

'Dan, he draws sunshine's on your coffee cup.'

'Look, Pj, he's just a frequent customer that I happen to know his middle name and that he wants to own a café of his own one day, that's hardly a lot.'

'Dan, you're lying to yourself.'

'How d'you mean?'

'You like him.' He said softly.

'Do not.' He snapped.

'Don't get defensive, I meant friendly.'

Dan didn't reply and hung up, flopping his head down on his pillow and biting his lip as he glared at the offending sun streaming through his curtains and he stared at the ceiling.

Why _had_ he gotten defensive?

Why wouldn't he _allow_ himself to like Phil? He was always so cold and rude to him, and yet he persisted.

Dan let out a loud groan and a sigh of hopelessness.

He almost reached for his book, but he didn't know how to describe what he was feeling, didn't know how to put it into words.

He supposed it was when Phil had said that Dan had let his guard down. How could he trust Phil so easily already? They had been friends not even for a month and they'd only met five or six times.

He meant acquaintances.

They had not even known each other for a month.

And yet...

Dan squeezed his eyes shut, never having had such a dilemma before, never having had anyone really _want_ to be friends with him before.

He was so used to people pretending, lying, Phil was just another of those.

Using Dan for their own amusement.

Surely.

His phone beeped and a text from Pj came through.

'You can't ignore me forever Dan'

'Watch me' Dan tapped out, before pulling the duvet over his head and encasing himself in a cave of covers, letting his eyes fall closed once more, his face setting into a frown.

_Thursday 7 April 2013 10.22pm – Not even me._

_At the end of everything, none of it matters. When I'm laying on my death bed or I'm standing on the precipice, at the waters edge, does it really matter how many days I hauled myself out of bed? How many bills I've paid? How many smiles I've spared for strangers? How little money I've acquired or how many days I've ruined? Will any of it matter when my eyes close for a final time? When I take my final breath of air, nothing will matter, not even me._

Dan stared emptily at his ceiling, pen in hand, book open on his duvet.

He breathed in and he breathed out, silently wondering why he continued to do so.

_Friday 15 April 2013 4.53am – Gone._

_Humans are such lonely creatures, people flitting in and out of each others lives, never staying, never staying._

_They come and they go, the only constant is you. Alone in this world, it's just you._

_They'll be here and they'll be gone._

_And you'll be waiting for the next, and the next piece of your heart will be gone with every person you let yourself care for._

_I'm keeping mine close to me, not letting them take it away._

_It's mine and I'm alone. I'm better that way._

Dan thought about scratching that one out. He didn't.

_Thursday 21 April 2013 1.43pm – But I do._

_I shouldn't be envious of the birds as their wings spread and they fly into the wind but I am. Envious that I could never be that, I'm here, I'm always here and I can't escape._

_I shouldn't want to be one with the sky, but I do._

_I shouldn't want to feel the water hitting my skin as I fall, but I do._

_I shouldn't want to close my eyes and never have them flutter open again, but I do._

_I shouldn't want to go back, but I do._

His pen was poised, ready to scrub it out until it could no longer be seen but he refrained; he had promised himself not to do that to any of them.

It had been two weeks since had gone into work, that wasn't a record, by far, but he hadn't even spoken to Pj since then either.

He hadn't done much, in all honesty, showered twice, three times perhaps at a stretch. Eaten four good meals and slept, a lot. Not as much as he'd stared at the ceiling in the dark and in the light.

Pulling the covers back, he pulled on a shirt and ran his hand through his hair, not bothering to brush it let alone straighten the curls out of it.

He walked down the street, his eyes feeling heavy but not with tiredness.

The bell tinkled as he pushed open the door and he looked around for Pj.

His eyes landed on Phil.

Dan glanced at the clock above the counter; it read 10.35.

'Morning, sunshine.' Dan called, the corners of his lips curling upwards as he saw Phil turn around and watched as his eyes lit up and he rushed over to Dan.

'Dan! You're here! I was worried about you.'

'You were?'

'Yeah.' Phil admitted, looking away in an almost shy manner.

Dan smiled softly.

'Now there's a rare sight.' Phil chuckled.

Dan laughed gently, shaking his head.

'I missed you.' Phil said quietly, hardly daring to look at Dan.

'You did?'

'Yeah.'

Dan watched as Phil's blue eyes darted around the room, being careful not to meet Dan's gaze.

'Why?'

'Because I like you, Dan, you're one of the most interesting people I've met, and you're good company.'

'But I'm not any of those things.'

'Yes you are.' Phil said with a smile, the look on his face almost made it seem ludicrous that Dan should think any different.

'I'm nothing but rude and cold to you, Phil, all I've done since we met is push you away.'

'That's alright, Dan, I have faith.'

'How? How can you possibly have faith in someone that never returns your smiles and never says please or thank you or wishes you a good day. Someone who groans when you come in the store and frowns when he looks at you. Someone who didn't come into work for weeks just because he didn't want to see you-' Dan cursed under his breath, stopping suddenly.

'B-because I believed that you would let me in, that underneath it all you liked me too, I believed that, Dan.' Phil said quietly, hurt evident in his eyes, placing his book back on the shelf and calmly leaving the store.

Dan cursed again, holding his head in his hands, slamming his fists against the wall.

***

Pj rested a hand on Dan's shoulder as he relayed the previous day.

'He looked so hurt, Peej, I never meant to say that, I hadn't even realised it myself that that was why, I just...'

'I know, Dan. You just need to apologise, he'll forgive you.'

'How do you know?'

'He really likes you, Dan.'

'Not anymore.'

'No, Dan. I mean, he really likes you.'

'What?-Oh. You mean, he-?'

Pj nodded. 'He talked to me about it, about why you pushed him away.'

'What did you say?'

'That he needed to give you a bit of time and that you aren't a very sociable person - you're not used to having people wanting to be friends.'

'Thanks.' Dan glared.

'And then he said that friends was a start.'

'But why? How can he possibly like me?'

Pj shook his head and smiled softly. 'Go.'

Dan took a deep breath and nodded. He left the store and walked down the street to where the café was.

His breathing was shaky as he pushed open the door and laid eyes on Phil.

Phil locked their gaze for a second before breaking it and walking into the back room, whispering to a co-worker.

'I'm sorry, Sir, you're not allowed behind here.' She smiled sweetly at Dan, blocking the entrance to behind the counter and the back room.

Dan tried to argue but she wouldn't listen, so he swung himself over the counter and dashed into the back room before she could stop him.

Phil went to go out the back but Dan grabbed his wrist.

'Dan, let me go!'

'Phil-' He said desperately, tugging him by his wrist so that he was facing Dan. 'Please listen to me.'

Phil shook his head and tried to break free from Dan's grip.

Dan put his other arm around Phil's back to keep him there.

'Dan, you've said everything you could possibly say, I'll leave you alone now.'

'That's the last thing I want.' Dan said softly, bringing his hand that had a grip on Phil's wrist to rest lightly against his cheek.

He took in a deep breath and pressed their lips together.

Phil didn't move for a moment, but quickly kissed Dan back, bringing his hands to wind into Dan's curly hair.

'I really like you, Phil.' Dan breathed as they parted.

'You do?'

'Yeah.' Dan smiled.

'I really like you too, Dan.' Phil replied, a soft laugh leaving his lips.

'Do you want to maybe, be my boyfriend?' Dan asked with a nervous laugh, not even sure himself when he had decided that this was what he wanted.

Phil nodded. 'I would love to.' He pulled their lips together again.

'I'm sorry for everything.' Dan said as they sat in the back room together.

'It's okay, Dan.'

'No it's not. I was scared of letting you in, scared you were like everyone else I've ever known apart from Pj. I didn't understand why you wanted to get to know me and I still don't. But I trust you, which is something I don't give out easily so you should feel honoured Philip.' He laughed softly. 'But when you said I let my guard down I got scared again, that you'd only hurt me so I pushed you away. I missed you so I came back and I never meant to say any of that I just don't understand why you like me.'

'Then I'll spend every day trying to make you see, beautiful.' Phil said, smiling as he kissed Dan's forehead. 'Shall we go and break the news to Pj?' He asked, extending his hand to Dan.

Dan looked at it for a moment, before taking it. They left the shop and walked down the street, their fingers interlocked, sharing little smiles along the way.

They couldn't see Pj at first, so when Dan sat on the counter, Phil sat on the counter too.

Clumsy giggles and kisses was what Pj saw as he came out of the back room.

'Oh my God. You guys. I didn't think Dan would have the courage.' He gushed, rushing over to them. 'I'm so happy for you both.'

They laughed. 'Thanks, Pj.'

_Friday 22 April 2013 11.56am – Really I do._

_I'm not fixed. I'm still broken. Things aren't quite so simple, I think maybe I wish they were, for the first time. But my smiles, they were genuine. And my eyes, they smiled too. And him, he's beautiful. And he likes me. He likes me._

_And I like him. I really do._

Phil didn't try to look over Dan's shoulder, he knew that Dan would show him when he was ready, and for that, Dan was grateful. He put his book away and leant into Phil's arms.

This was new.

But new wasn't necessarily bad.

This was good. Definitely good.

*** 

_Saturday 30 April 2013 10.39pm – Sunshine_

_He looks at me in wonder but I can't help but wonder why._

__

_He calls me sunshine but he's the light in my life._

__

_He looks at me like I put stars in the sky but there are stars in his eyes._

__

.

__

_Monday 11 July 2013 2.48pm – Do you know?_

__

_As I'm looking at you now, my heart is smiling. You're laughing and it's beautiful, I'm wondering if you can see the love in my eyes. I'm wondering if you can tell that when I look at you I see everything I could ever want._

__

_And part of me hopes that you can; that you can tell how much you're loved and needed._

__

_I hope you know._

__

.

__

_Wednesday 9 November 2013 5.16pm - Blue_

__

_Someone asked me today how I knew I was in love with you. And I thought about you, how I'd do anything for you; die for you, kill for you, how in my eyes you could do no wrong._

__

_I thought about your eyes and how they're blue. How they're simply blue but I see hundreds of shades of blues and silvers and yellows, how I think they're more beautiful than a thousand sunsets, brighter than a sky full of shining stars._

__

_I thought about how I want to spend the entirety of my life with you by my side, how you're the one I want to marry and raise children with._

__

_I thought about how I'd never want to love anyone else because every one else fades in comparison because as long as I have you, no one else matters because you're all I'll ever need._

__

_I thought about how I smile as soon as I see yours, how I care about your happiness and well-being more than mine or anyone else's._

__

_'I just know.' Is all I said, because how do you describe loving someone with every fibre of your being to a stranger? Loving someone with everything that you are?_

__

_'I just know.'_

__

.

__

_Wednesday 15 March 2014 - Feelings aren't certain but I think these will stay._

__

_Feelings aren't certain. Feelings are fleeting; everything is._

__

_Feelings change and they evolve, things I felt five minutes ago are not things I'm feeling now._

__

_Things I felt three months ago, staring into the darkness are not things I'm feeling now with your arms around me._

__

_Things I felt two years ago are unimaginable to me now, I can't even fathom how I felt them._

__

_That's why I'm writing, always writing, scratching at the pages in this book, trying to etch those feelings onto the page while they're here, before they're gone._

__

_But I'm starting to think that these ones won't be. That I'll be feeling this for a long, long time, I hope these feelings stay._

__

_I think they'll stay._

**Author's Note:**

> I somehow wrote this with no plot in mind.  
> Comments are greatly appreciated.


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